Today, in this moment, I have a choice. To be happy or not to be. Really those are the only choices ever. I was given an opportunity to exercise that choice with the delivery of expected, but unwelcome reality.
My life is not necessarily my own, or at least not mine alone. I have bound myself to others either through love, commitment, duty or all of the above. Sometimes that’s cool, sometimes it is a challenge. I have to decide moment to moment is my suffering more important than anyone else’s. The answer, of course, is no.
I must determine just how long I will align myself with discomfort. I can choose to let go of the issue and trust that the universe has made the best option the only option. Or, and that’s a big OR, I can choose to wallow in the discomfort and direct my energy into trying to answer the why me question.
My grandmother, I believe, had a mindfulness practice. Her answer to why was always, and simply, because Y is a crooked letter.
I struggle in the world of attachment. I believe that self-love and the love of others honestly exists. I am just not so sure it exists in truth all the time. If I am discontented, I question the statement I love you. I put it in a frame of material reference, and think to myself, yes I believe you do, but not as much as your home, your pets, your money, your time, etcetera, etcetera. I get mired in the sadness of the truth of love, the do you really, truth of love, that I fail to accept the honesty with which I AM loved.
A wise friend once told me, expectations are premeditated resentments. I say it often, yet living without expectation is a challenge most days. Today being one of those days, I am left with frustration because an expectation was not met. The alternative is still grand, but I was not given the opportunity to choose and darn it I wanted to choose.
My brain wanted my mouth to scream. See, I told you so, I don’t belong, I can’t get it done, I am doomed and it is all your fault somehow. I almost fell into resentment, but my spirit said not happening. So I closed my mouth, cooked creatively, reflected inwardly, connected with my breath and realized frustration is not suffering, it is growth.
Then I made a choice, to be happy.